Academic Personals

By LAWRENCE DOUGLAS and ALEXANDER GEORGE

Youngish, recently denied tenure: Non-litigious white male enjoys large enrollments, packed lecture halls, intimate seminars, one-on-ones with thesis students. Will teach required first-year courses. Gets along with all ideologies.

I'm a strict former provost. You're a faculty in receivership looking for a strong, disciplining hand: Master's in Tough Love. Special experience in the social sciences and the humanities.

Straussian political scientist: Likes bow ties, the American Enterprise Institute, National Review, regression analysis, Samuel Huntington, the Heritage Foundation, power. If you're a Pac-10 or Big 12, I have what you're looking for.

Tired of the meat market? Bipolar ABD, English Yale. Sick of the annual MLA circus? The frenzy and tears? The dreary suites in the Sheraton? That makes two of us. Show me your FTE, I'll show you my CV.

Solution to the mind-body problem: If you have one, this M.Stud., also into quantum computing and the anthropic hypothesis, wants to hear from you. Not interested in superficial pre-established harmony approaches. Open to exploring the byways of anomalous monism.

Lonely adjunct: Works hard, honest grader, loves the classroom and committee work (seriously!). You're an accredited institution with a dental plan. Please, no more than four courses per term. All serious inquiries considered.

Well-endowed chair at major research university seeks discreet visiting appointment. Let's start with one semester, see what develops. I'm writer's-block-free — colleagues should B2.

Energetic, sophisticated microeconomist: A tiger with PowerPoint, a lamb with the laser pointer. Ready to power on if you are.

In my backpack you'll find a bike helmet, an emergency necktie, the latest Agamben, a stack of student papers. Most- played tracks on my iPod: "Idiot Wind," Glassworks, Vita Sackville-West reading from Orlando. You're a small liberal-arts college with an open curriculum, interested in some no-strings-attached interdisciplinarity.

Double major with perfect boards! Fresh out of college, 23 years old, physics & French, 3.7-3.9-3.8-3.8, stunning summa, great GRE's. Seeking a financially secure graduate school that knows how to treat a student right.

Milton scholar but Zizek-curious: Married to the Areopagitica, yet curious about life on the other side. If you're interested in trying cultural studies together and have your own office, get in touch. Discretion a must.

Former Rawls TA: Enchanted by Hobbes and Hegel. Believes in Enlightenment values, but not dogmatically. Has a special thing for social-contract theories, yet gets along swell with Foucauldians. Loves tweed and Lucky jeans. If you're a nondysfunctional philosophy department without a lot of theoretical baggage, drop me a line.

My desert-island degrees: J.D., M.L.S., and (no-brainer) Ph.D. Your desert-island software: Word, EndNote, PowerPoint. Text me.

Desperately seeking $100-million. Affable college president who likes to schmooze about football and the good old days, can listen to a cappella groups endlessly, and loves to name buildings. If you're a cool hundred mil, not controlling, and available now, please be in touch.

Contrapuntal couple interested in meeting rhythmic soloists for some light badinerie. Wife very pizzicato; husband likes to listen. Possible coloratura and crescendo con brio if we harmonize.

Academic bottom seeks top carpenter. Desperate, lowly adjunct contemplating career change seeks skilled man with tools to teach him how to screw, plane, and hammer properly.

Other Services

Intelligent conversation with Sheldon. All topics covered by true Renaissance man. Visa/MC/TIAA-CREF.

Lacanian workout partner. If you are a signifier split off from your topoi and seeking a rigorous homomorphic embedding in n-space, why don't you let me introject my topology? Strong accent. Reasonable rates.

Looking for a Moldovan research assistant? For the past 10 years, our company has matched up discriminating scholars with brainy women from Moldova who are just waiting for that special intellectual. Our assistants are expertly trained to firm up manuscripts, to Google the obscurest requests, and to provide stimulation for even the most blocked researcher. Visit us at http://www.moldovanbrains.com

Need grading relief? Our fresh, young TA's are just waiting to offer you their services. Professional, discreet, and energetic, they will provide release from your grading pressures. Don't be frustrated — whether you need a hand with a dangling participle or could use some assistance with curves, our talented TA's can help! Get 10 percent off with this ad. Incall/Outcall.

Lawrence Douglas is a professor of law, jurisprudence, and social thought at Amherst College. He and Alexander George, a professor of philosophy at Amherst, are the co-authors of Sense and Nonsensibility: Lampoons of Learning and Literature (Simon & Schuster, 2004)